Monday, January 16, 2006

200!!!

I definitely should post something today. Today will officially be my 200th post! That's gotta count for something right? I should probably prodceed and write something terribly witty and entertaining now. Something to keep my avid readers coming back begging for more. I should maybe write something to make my average life seem..well...not average. Or maybe I should write something deep and profound. Something spiritual and thought provoking. But yet grammatically incorrect. Something that will continue to make me feel like I'm a talented writer and I have SOMETHING TO SAY. Something you all need to hear. But then, I'd be writing to impress all of you instead of just writing what's real to me. But really, don't we all write to impress our readers to some degree? Don't we love getting those affirming comments? Or checking our profiles to see how many new people have come round to check out our blogs? Don't we swell with pride when someone tells us they appreciate our writing style?

Well, I do.

But then again I've always lived my life to please the general public. Shameful yes. But painfully true. Nothing bothers me more than to hear of someone who is upset with me or doesn't like me. Heaven forbid if they think me anything less than beautiful. I've so often searched for affirmation in all the wrong places. Honestly people? I'm getting a little tired of it. Yes, I think the longing to be loved will always be there for me. But I'm ready to start just being who I am and not living to make you love me. I'm ready to stop living with an eating disorder beacuse I'm afraid of people thinking I might be ten pounds overweight. I'm tired of feeling like I need new clothes so people will compliment me. I'm tired of wanting more stuff, new couches, a bigger house, a smaller waist, a better job, more money, a new camera, a better computer...

I'm sure you all feel this way too from time to time. But lately this feeling overwhelms me. The desire to literally sell everything we own and go do short term missions somewhere is growing in both of our hearts. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it's just a symptom of being so tired of the "stuffitis" mentality of the western world. Or maybe God is placing theses desires on our hearts for a reason.

Now, I love where we live, and I do pray that our kids will grow up here and that our family can be rooted here. But, all that have and all that I am must be held open to God with an open hand for him to lead and guide and give and even take away. I still feel like there's "something" in store for Dustin and I on the not too distant horison. What that means? I have no idea. But I know with a doubt in my heart and mind that I NEED to be seeking God more wholeheartedly than ever before. The desire to know Him more personally and imtimately is enought to almost suffocate me lately. I'm scared, and thrilled all at the same time. A huge part of me wants to settle here and buy a house or a lot and make our mark here in Summerland. And a small, but ever increasing part of me wants to throw it all behind me something bigger than I can even imagine.

Wierd, I wasn't intending for any of this to come pouring out of as I really had nothing to say when I sat down at the computer. Funny how when you get going it all just comes rushing out. WEll, there it is. My 200th post. Not what I or you for that matter were expecting. But I'm not writing to please you anymore remember. Well, maybe just a little....

8 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Amen, Christy. It's funny how we can be adament that what others have to say has no impact on us, but it does....
Let us know when you find out your next big adventure!!
love you guys!
~Elizabeth, Justin and Hunter

Angella said...

There's nothing wrong with a little affirmation :)
You are a beautiful, loving, sweet, funny, gifted, HOT...wife, mommy, friend, writer, sister, daughter, believer....
The list goes on forever.
And God's not even CLOSE to being finished with you yet!

Amanda Brown said...

What a poignant post, Christy. Your honesty speaks volumes about your character and I am proud of you for being open to being challenged and shaped by God. You know that if you ever moved away I would cry for years and be an inconsolable wreck, but I would be happy for you and excited about the adventure God is leading you on. I love you, Christy and am ever thankful for the friend I've found in you. Yooooo are the wind beneeeeath myyyy winnnngsss. :)

Sarah said...

hey Christy
thanks for your post. I'm a total people pleaser and struggle with being concerned about if people like me and all that. It does get tiring. I'm excited to hear what is instore for you. I'm in an intro to missions class so I'm checking out what the mission field is all about...anyways thanks for your honesty!

Stephanie said...

Christy, I was just walking to class thinking about the whole people pleasing thing and how that is what brings so much stress to my own life. I'm tired of it too.
God is at work and it's about time we all get truly excited about it. THe pastor at the church I attend here just did a sermon on being 'nuts' for God and the church and how that would truly change the world if we were truly passionate for HIM. I love to see you seeking more and more and wherever the Lord leads you and your wonderful family,we would be so sad to see you go but I pray that we would all be open to give up those things we hold so tight and dare to live. love you Christy.

Becky said...

I don't have a whole lot to say, but I admire your bravery and faith, Christy. I have always wanted to be more like you. Dress like you, act like you, and live like you. And this post just affirms me that aspiring to be like you is not such a bad idea, afterall. I love you, sis!

Manda said...

does this mean you're moving to China?

nelly said...

you never have to struggle to please me or your Dad, you please us just by being you .we could'nt be happier with you no matter what you did or didn;t do ,whether you saved a nation or sat on your couch, we love you and are so proud of who you are and who you are becoming . I believe that is how God views us too .We always think we have to do something special or at least vey good for Him to love us ,but we dont.He just loves us warts, extra pounds and all. So no matter what you dscide or where God leads you ,Know this you are much loved by us and most of all by your Father in heaven love always Mom