Thursday, March 02, 2006


I had a dream last night that was truly THE most heartwrenching dream I've ever known. As I was telling it to Dustin this morning after I woke up we both lay there in the darkness of early morning. The tears streaming down our faces.
In my dream, I was out doing something and Dustin was at home with the kids. Then I get this phone call and it's Dustin and he's telling he found this "thing" on the floor of the house and it's wierd. It's looks like an organ of some sort. A heart or something. Weird! So, I call the doctor and rush home after telling him to put whatever that thing was on ice.
I arrive home to find the doctor already there standing over Ben and Dustin. He explains to us that Ben has this disease that is virtually undetectable from birth. But basically, (don't laugh beacause in my dream this was VERY serious) Ben's little heart fell out. It's been very weak from birth and eventually just comes out. (Don't ask me where it came out from it just did okay.) That's not the point. The point is that the doctor told us Ben had only an hour or so before he left us to be with Jesus.
And then I remember sitting with Ben and holding him. Telling how cool it was going to be in heaven and how he'd get to be with Jesus but we'd be with him soon. All the while me heart breaking in two.
And then he was gone and I was left with only my tears and echo of Dustin's agonizing cries to God. Sobbing from the heart of his soul to his Heavenly Father for understanding and peace.
Even now as I type, the emotions are still so fresh in my heart.
I can't say that I understand what it's like to lose a child but, if it's anything even close to what I felt in my subconscious. I don't know if I'd survive.

Sorry for the happy morning post.


Angella said...

I CANNOT imagine what that would feel like. The very thought of anything happening to our kids makes me want to be physically ill.
I'll pray that God will comfort you today...and I'll do my best too

Amanda Brown said...

That dream sounds so real and terrible. I am sorry you had to entertain such thoughts, even in your subconscious. :( Hope you feel better as the day goes on and the sad images fade.

karen said...

I hate those kinds of dreams that are so real, and then stick with you for the rest of the day. I've had them before and they really shake you up. Thankfully though, they are just dreams. Hope your day gets better!

Jen said...

I can't even imagine what I would feel like to lose a child or a spouse. . I had a weird dream like that about Abby recently and it does feel SO real. I hope your day gets better. :)

Elizabeth said...

wishing you peace and love with your wonderful kiddies!
There have been bout of bad dreams lately.. I've had tehm, too.

Dan said...

Wow, very intense and scary dream! I was never prepared for the love I feel for my children.

Oh, on a happier note. You're pregnant.

Sounds like a pregnant dream to me.


Danica said...

Awwww Christy. I'm not even sure what to say. How awful a dream to have. I'm so glad you woke up. I hope it doesn't stay with you too long though.
You're such an awesome mommy.

Kaili said...

I really don't like those dreams that FEEL so real, sometimes I can't even remember what really went on in the dream, except the feelings are so powerful, that when I wake up sometimes it's really hard to get that thought/feeling out of my mind.
Also I agree with 'Dan', dreams since I have been pregnant have been so vivid. Maybe you're preggy.

On another note, I e-mailed you, I don't know if you got it.

Joyce said...

This was one of the symptoms of ALL my pregnancies!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa said...

Awww...I'm so sorry. I had a nightmare a couple of weeks ago to and woke up completely freaked out. It's the absolute worst. I, too, cannot imagine what it would be like to lose one of my boys. I don't think I could survive it.