Have you ever found youself in a situation where you lave completly lost control? I don't mean lost control of the circumstances beacuse really we don't have control over that anyway. I mean lost control of your self, your emotions, your ability to think with in reason? i found myself in one of those moments yesterday. Allow me to explain.
I have a daughter who is three. For those of you who know me or have been reading this site for awhile know that my second child can me somewhat unreasonable at times. What I mean when I say unreasonable is that she will do whatever it takes to try and get her way even if it means ripping her own legs out and beating me with the bloody stumps. Or something just as dramatic. Never in my life has anyother human being made me feel so helpless or so angry as that beautiful blonde little girl. Don't believe me? I'll pay you to watch her for a week and you tell me what to do with her.
I must give credit where credit is due and tell you that she has come a looooooooong way over the last year. We have come from daily episodes to weekly. This is major progress my friends. MAJOR! I have come from being totally overwhelmed and borderline depressed to finding myself actually enjoying this parenting thing. Except for yesterday when we were in the midst of bloody stump chaos.
This is partly my fault because sometimes i stay in bed until the last possible minute and find myself scrambling and screaming at the kids to try and get out the door to say...swimming lessons. It doesn't help that they will sit there staring at their heaps of clothes waiting for the tenth time I ask before they actually put them on. I usually end up ramming their flailing limbs and yelping head into their clothes while dangling Olivia over one arm and a diaper bag amd swimming bag over the other. Then Ben and Megan fight over who goes in the van first and there's usually kicking and slapping involved. Megan screams for me to help her buckle up as ben whacks her from the back seat. I lean back to help her and her kicks my hand away and insists "I CAN DO IT!"
"Well HURRY UP WE'RE GOING TO BE LAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!"
I start drinving waiting for her to finish buckling up.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! STOP! STOP DRIVING! I CAN'T DO IT!"
"Megan! Honestly we're almost there. Just stop it and ask nice!"
I pull over. "Ask nice and I'll help you. Just please don't scream at me."
"DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"
This is the part where I get all irrational and totally lose it. I turned around and started acting EXACTLY like her. I hit her carseat as hard as I could and as screamed as lound and a hard and as long as I can EVER remember screaming. I don't recall what exactly what came out of my mouth, but it was somthing along the lines of feeling so angry and to stop yelling and being unreasonable and grow up and listen and talk nice and say please and for goodness sake enough with the screaming. I think maybe I blacked out a little. Not really but maybe that would've been better.
And then it was really quiet.
Except for a few wimpers out of Olivia. And now we were really late.
We got to the pool and Megan dodn't want to get out of the van so I literally dragged her by the arm. While carrying Olivia in the other arm. Megan refused to put her suit on. SO I left her sitting on the bench on the changeroom alone. Wimpering. And went to sit in the viewing gallery to watch Ben. I wanted to punch the lady who came out to tell me Megan was in there alone. I wanted to punch everyone. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was three again and had no control over my actions anymore. I knew I was being ridiculous and unreasonable and yet I couldn't stop. Couldn't stop or didn't want to stop? I couldn't tell. After a few minutes of us both brooding I went to see if she was okay. She was sill pouting.
I apologised. She didn't. But I felt better and more like myself and we did get her in the pool. And she had a great time. Later when we got home Megan looked me right in the eye and said..
"Mommy I'm really really sorry for screaming. Really really sorry. I'll try harder to be a good girl."
The fact that she came to me on her own and apologised is HUGE. This is major. This was also a first for her. I was so proud of her. And also so ashamed of myself. Some days I just cannot do this. It's too big, too hard, too much. Amazingly though, children are so forgiving. She still loves me and accepts me despite my many shortcomings. I suppose we are learning this together this parenting thing.
Needless to say...after a morning like that, an afternoon like this was needed. Even if Megan did cry most of the way to park, it was still a good day. We all need an attitide adjustment from time to time. (more pics on OUR WEBSITE! Did you check it out yet?)