Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Back on Track.

Have you ever found youself in a situation where you lave completly lost control? I don't mean lost control of the circumstances beacuse really we don't have control over that anyway. I mean lost control of your self, your emotions, your ability to think with in reason? i found myself in one of those moments yesterday. Allow me to explain.

I have a daughter who is three. For those of you who know me or have been reading this site for awhile know that my second child can me somewhat unreasonable at times. What I mean when I say unreasonable is that she will do whatever it takes to try and get her way even if it means ripping her own legs out and beating me with the bloody stumps. Or something just as dramatic. Never in my life has anyother human being made me feel so helpless or so angry as that beautiful blonde little girl. Don't believe me? I'll pay you to watch her for a week and you tell me what to do with her.
I must give credit where credit is due and tell you that she has come a looooooooong way over the last year. We have come from daily episodes to weekly. This is major progress my friends. MAJOR! I have come from being totally overwhelmed and borderline depressed to finding myself actually enjoying this parenting thing. Except for yesterday when we were in the midst of bloody stump chaos.
This is partly my fault because sometimes i stay in bed until the last possible minute and find myself scrambling and screaming at the kids to try and get out the door to say...swimming lessons. It doesn't help that they will sit there staring at their heaps of clothes waiting for the tenth time I ask before they actually put them on. I usually end up ramming their flailing limbs and yelping head into their clothes while dangling Olivia over one arm and a diaper bag amd swimming bag over the other. Then Ben and Megan fight over who goes in the van first and there's usually kicking and slapping involved. Megan screams for me to help her buckle up as ben whacks her from the back seat. I lean back to help her and her kicks my hand away and insists "I CAN DO IT!"
I start drinving waiting for her to finish buckling up.
"Megan! Honestly we're almost there. Just stop it and ask nice!"
I pull over. "Ask nice and I'll help you. Just please don't scream at me."
This is the part where I get all irrational and totally lose it. I turned around and started acting EXACTLY like her. I hit her carseat as hard as I could and as screamed as lound and a hard and as long as I can EVER remember screaming. I don't recall what exactly what came out of my mouth, but it was somthing along the lines of feeling so angry and to stop yelling and being unreasonable and grow up and listen and talk nice and say please and for goodness sake enough with the screaming. I think maybe I blacked out a little. Not really but maybe that would've been better.

And then it was really quiet.

Except for a few wimpers out of Olivia. And now we were really late.
We got to the pool and Megan dodn't want to get out of the van so I literally dragged her by the arm. While carrying Olivia in the other arm. Megan refused to put her suit on. SO I left her sitting on the bench on the changeroom alone. Wimpering. And went to sit in the viewing gallery to watch Ben. I wanted to punch the lady who came out to tell me Megan was in there alone. I wanted to punch everyone. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was three again and had no control over my actions anymore. I knew I was being ridiculous and unreasonable and yet I couldn't stop. Couldn't stop or didn't want to stop? I couldn't tell. After a few minutes of us both brooding I went to see if she was okay. She was sill pouting.

I apologised. She didn't. But I felt better and more like myself and we did get her in the pool. And she had a great time. Later when we got home Megan looked me right in the eye and said..
"Mommy I'm really really sorry for screaming. Really really sorry. I'll try harder to be a good girl."
The fact that she came to me on her own and apologised is HUGE. This is major. This was also a first for her. I was so proud of her. And also so ashamed of myself. Some days I just cannot do this. It's too big, too hard, too much. Amazingly though, children are so forgiving. She still loves me and accepts me despite my many shortcomings. I suppose we are learning this together this parenting thing.

Needless to say...after a morning like that, an afternoon like this was needed. Even if Megan did cry most of the way to park, it was still a good day. We all need an attitide adjustment from time to time. (more pics on OUR WEBSITE! Did you check it out yet?)


joyce said...

i sometimes feel overwhelmed with my ONE monkey...i can't imagine having THREE!!! i hope you got yourself a nice yummy expensive coffee to lose yourself in...

Anonymous said...

Oh my oh my - want to sign up with me for the worst mother ever contest?
I have a magnet on my fridge that says the first 40 years of parenting are the hardest" and they are!
There is no easy way out - we signed up for better or for worse - not just for our weddings but our children as well.
When I read your post - I could and can totally relate!
I have the exact same reaction to my daughters behaviour and she just turned 24!
PLEASE read a book called "brith Order" the second child section will help you to see that it is not you at all - well maybe part of how you react - but those number two children get to us!
Our second child is now 34 and we are okay.
Hang in there! You are an awesome Mom and your children are blessed to have you!
Kathie Lindstrom

Meghan Van Seters said...


I know how you feel. Some days I feel like I do more nagging and yelling than playing and loving and then feel horrible especially after they're in bed. Sometimes Braden just pushes me over the edge and then I feel like I don't have any patience with either of them even if Hailey is not doing anything that bad. I hope the rest of your week goes better.

Prue said...

Oooh, I have SOOO been there. In fact I blogged about my incident a few weeks ago. We have up and down days, some just like that. You're not the only one with kids like that, and they're not the only one with a mum like that!! Hang in there!

Amanda said...

Oh, Christy. What a rough morning. You poor girl. If Megan reads this as a grown woman she's going to be scared spitless to have a child of her own. :)
And in that photo of Olivia in the swing her thighs look SKINNY! Crazy!
Beautiful shots.

JAB said...

You never want to hear that other people are stressed out and having a hard time, but it also makes me feel more normal to hear that other parents go through the same thing that I do!

Sorry for the crazy day that you had, but it sounds like Megan's heartfelt apology made everything feel all right. I know that even after my son yells and screams and has a fit when he then comes over an hugs me and says "I love you mommy" it sure makes everything all better.

And, wow...great pictures!

karen said...

Oh Christy, thanks for your honesty. I have so had days like that where I'm freaking out all the while telling myself that I'm being unreasonable. And, I don't like myself after an episode like that. Strangely though, I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in my freaking out.
It does amaze me though, how forgiving kids are. I need to take a lesson.

Bloggy Mama said...

Hunter almost sewed my finger and I totally yelled at him - freaked him right out. It's funny how apologizing makes us feel better, though. So sweet to see that Megan is learning that. You are such a wonderful Mom to those kids.

d + r = haye jude fantastico said...

oh christy. i love reading your blog.
i think megan and haye would get along JUST FINE!

thanks for this, it was really encouraging for me to read another persons struggles (wow, how morbid am i!)

and to think you have 3...man. i can barely do it with 1 some days!

Angella said...

You are a great Momma. You do the best that you can with what you have been given.

Megan may have a strong will, but yours is STRONGER.

Thanks be to God for that, hey?


Chelsey said...

wow. what a story. sounds like my childhood :) getting ready for the bus...sigh...good times...

Anonymous said...

Oh jeez, you've only done that once? I make sure to do it at least once a week to keep them on their toes ;-).
And I love the website, and I'm so proud of you for doing this, and I can't wait until you take my picture (make me look hot k)

Anonymous said...

Oh no! I have a ladies conference all weekend, I probably will not be able to see you, SUCKY!
Why are you guys coming this weekend, aren't you coming back in a few weeks? Are you house hunting, are you are you?? :-)!!!

Shelley said...

hmmm...i don't have kids so i can't even imagine how difficult raising them would be. But i feel for ya.
You've got the most difficult job in the world....but the one with the greatest rewards :)

Susie said...

You must be so proud of your little girl. Admitting she was wrong on her own. Wow. I think we all have days like that where we don't recognize the person screaming at our kids, but after you are amazed that they still love you. Yesterday, out of the blue, Kynan came up to me and said 'Mommy, you are so beautiful.'. I wanted to cry, it was exactly what I wanted to hear.

Anonymous said...

I so remember those days! Gods strenth my girl. Love always,MOM