Friday, January 20, 2006

Can I go now?

My children today have driven me to the brink of insanity. I keep expecting each passing day to be a better day. But the last week or so has been a steady climb down. Down down into the very pit of all that is frightening and terrible. Megan AGAIN was up last night calling for me at four in the morning. Only this time she did not settle down into a nice mommy daughter moment of songs and snuggles. But instead decided to lose herself in her wrath and anger towards me in a forty five minute fit of inconsolable rage and panic. Hard to imagine a twentyfive year old grown woman be afraid of her own one year old doughter. Well, believe it people. She would have stuck fear and trembling into ALL. I...I'm at a loss for words here folks. Would that I could have had the sense of mind to pull out the video camera for you all to witness this amazing display of childish unreason. Maybe next time.
And so, that brings us to today. Ask me if I've had more than three minutes this whole day without a child wailing or screaming of hanging on my legs. I dare you. Just ask me. I'd say yes. Possibly three mintues but not any more! I wasn't one of those angellic people born with an unimaginable amount of patience. My supply has about run out. How can I make it the rest of this day without doing or saying something regretful or hurtful to my children? I must be losing my mind to imagine wanting ANOTHER ONE!!
There are days (like today) when I just don't feel like I can do this for the next eighteen plus years.

The Mystery of Children-by Mike Mason.
"No one in their right mind would have invented children. They are too impractical, too unwieldy, too preposterous. Intelligent people sat down and came up with wonderful inventions like the light bulb, the telephone, the printing press, but no one would have dreamed of designing and patenting a child. Even if they had it would have been a diaperless child, a noncrying child, a wellbehaved and obedient child. Inventions are meant (at least in theory) to make life easier not harder. They are conveniences.
Children are not convenient. This is the difference betwen an invention and a creation. Inventions simplify, codify, organize what is known, whereas creations present us with the unknown. Creations are larger than life, inventions are smaller. Creations transgress all scientific laws and reasonable limits, bursting the bounds of reality itself and so glorifying God. But inventions by and large obscure God. With an invention in our hands, we have no need of God. We are in control.
With a terrible child running around the house, suddenly our inventions seem inconsequential. Suddenly we need God again. Parents of small children may regard their work as mundane and exasperating, but their job will never be replaced by a machine-which is more than one can say for many other jobs. Not only is parenting too difficult for a machine, it's too difficult for many a corporate executive. (Or me-ChristyHeigh)
There's no work more complex, more important, or more exalted than that of caring for children. After all, it's what God Himself has chosen to do with His time. "


Stephen and Amber said...

Hey Christy,
I hope your day has improved a bit. As I read your blog, I am inspired by you love and dedication to your kids. When the time comes ( probably a few more years for us) I will know which blog to turn to for advice. Hold on there!

Angella said...

Way to put it into persepctive. You can do it, if anyone can.
What doesn't kill us, makes us STRONGER.
Just think of how strong you're getting.
Love you

Heidi said...

Days like these make us more appreciative of the days when our sanity is intact. I must get that book. The exerpts help me put my own frustrations with parenting into perspective. Keep up the good work. This is just a stage and it will pass.

Manda said...

Ah miss Megs. Its a good thing she's cute as a button. Christy you are an amazing mom, hang in there. I think I remember similar words being used by your mom in reference to yourself when you were that age. I will pray for you.

Love you lots :-)