It's a quiet morning. Ben is at playschool and Olivia is sleeping and Megan is watching 'Dora'. I can hardly believe I have a few minutes to myself. Lately my brain has been truning circles on itself pondering my life and the direction it's going. If I can stop it from doing flip flops for awhile I feel like i can make sense of things. I've been pushed to my limits the last few days trying to break Megan of her attachment to her soother. It's getting a little ridiculous actually. She would rather suck that thing than cuddle with Dustin or I. It's an addiction really. So, despite fervent, desperate pleas from her we are determinted to rid her of the thing. When she asks for it we dip the end of it in Tobasco sauce and offer it to her freely. She don't like it. i used to think that it wasn't a big deal and that she would be rid of it someday on her own but it seems to me that the longer we wait to to be rid of it the more attached she is becoming. I'd much rather her attachment be to Dustin and i than that bit of plastic. And yet other than that I'm continually amased at how Megan is growing and maturing. Her sensitive sweet mature is becomeing more and more apparent as she grows. She still demands so much of me and I have to remind myself that God created her to be the person she is. I cannot be a lazy parent to a child such as her. I cannot for even a moment let my guard down and allow my selfishness to rear it's ugly head. And this is why I am rarely here these days. Her young self requires all my efforts and time to teach and mould her. Unfortunately children are not instilled naturally with the ability to cope with thier emotions, or to know how to treat a baby, or to feed themselves, or to keep their arms from flying into eachother's faces. I must be the one to teach them these things. And Megan is one of those little girls that does not learn things the first time around. As a matter of fact she will know if a certain action is wrong and yet will make the choice to do it anyways. How does a person teach a child to choose the right. It must be an act of their own free will. I am so filled with pride as i see her change and watch her character grow. I often forget that she is still just two and not four. She seems so old for her age. I expect her to behave as Ben does which is unfair. And yet i'm proud of her because she is so advanced in language and stature. Not that that has anything to do with me.I just love her. That's all.
Ben is still Ben. Quiet, goofy, pensive, intelligent, sometimes jabbery, mischevious, imaginitive, doting, pestering, sensitive, shy, creative, fun, obedient. I could go on and on. I can hardly belive he will soon be in kindergarten. He's growing up to quickly for my liking. The other night I had gone in to give him a kiss and sing him a song, it had been a long day and he had gone to ben after many tears and sniffles. He was already asleep by the time I got there. I knelt down and listen to the even pace of his restful breathing. I closed my eyes and rubbed my cheek against his. Soft and warm. The same warm cheek i'd nuzzled over and over again as a chubby infant. He will never again be that chubby, smiley little baby he once was. That realisation brought the tears rolling down to rest on his pillow mingled with his hair. I can't stop him from growing older. From not wanting my "slurpy" kisses. Or my help getting dressed or putting on his shoes. I just wanted one more snuggle with that baby that once was. Knowing that would never be i snuggled in beside him on his bed and held him there singing him "Sunshine" one more time. Once I'd had my fill I ran upstairs to where little Olivia lay cooing in her crib, I swept her up and hugged her tight and begged her to not grow up. She just smiled at me and made no promises. But i did. To treasure these days. These days of childhood, though they bring to my wits end and make me wish for more peaceful days where I can do what I want, I will make every effort to remember how fleeting they are and how soon I will standing on the threshold waving good by.