Wednesday, August 29, 2007

My baby no more.

I first nemed this post "My baby No more" mostly because I can't believe that Ben is five today. FIVE! How fast did that go?


But, I was showing this to Dustin and he was all.... "What do you mean?!! He'll always be your baby!"

This is true. Ben, he will always be the fist baby to win over my heart. The first baby to show me what it means to lose oneself in the light of the unfathomable, selfless love of bringing your own child into this world. No one can tell you what that feeling is like. At that moment when I held my breath and pushed him out on that sweltering hot Edmonton afternoon so long ago, my life catipulted in a new direction. One where my days were no longer about me. A life where for the first time ever another human being was truly thought of entirely before myself. And though there are days when I long, I pine, I yearn for a time when I can be focused solely on myself again. I know that the trade off just isn't worth it. I am thankful for these gifts of my children. God's little chisling tools in my life to take away my selfish ambition and to show me what it means to no longer live for myself. And it's not even living for them, well yes in a sense...but ultimately... I cannot do this. Seriously I can't. I have been exposed for the person I really am beacuse of these little people in my life. It would seem I am a bit of a fraud. Where once I thought I had patience, it would seem I do not. Where once I thought I was selfless, it would also seem I am not. But for the grace of God....
Anyways...where was I?
Right...Benjamin being pushed out my hoohoo. Five years ago.

I was much too young to be having children.

Here is Ben. About a week old. This is the ONE week in the first two years of his life where he wasn't an absolute monster of a baby. You think Olivia is chubby? Oh Mylanta! (see Amanda it's catching on...)

Do you see those thighs? Those cheeks? There certainly is a resemblance to Olivia though isn't there? What a sweet pudge he was. This was my favourite stage. He was at the peak of his obesity here. About eight months old, not quite crawling and eating whole chickens for dinner. Feathers and all.

This is shortly after Bens first birthday. See, not quite so chubby. But still JUST AS CUTE! Maybe even cuter.

Okay, now we're entering year two realm. Still shy and sensitive but really getting goofy now. Especially with Daddy. Dustin wrote a post a long time ago about how this special boy makes him feel. If only I were as eloquent.

I'm not sure why but for some reason this has always been a favourite of mine. Looking at it though, can't you see the mix of Ben and Megan in Olivia? Man, babies aren't babies for long.
Meg, Ben and Daddy at the Calgary zoo.

Over the last year Ben has been really drawing closer to Dustin and in someways farther from me. As much as I love to see the relationship between the two of them flourish I have to admit, it's been hard for me. Ben is not nearly as cuddly as he once was and as I put him to bed at night and scold him for goofing around he reminds me that "Daddy thinks it's funny when I laugh like that." What a stick in the mud I am. On very rare occasions Ben will still come up to me and climb on my lap for a cozy snuggle but, for that most part now it's becoming a thing of the past. More of a memory. Memories of snuggling him down for a nap and singing "Jesus loves WHO?...Benny..." That got him giggling EVERY time. Even now when I sing him his treasured "sunshine song" at bedtime I can barely get his attention away from the toy he's taken with him to even listen. Oh man, I guess my snuggling tank will have to be filled by Olivia. We'll keep trying though.

Well Ben, here's wishing you the most happiest of birthdays. You are still and forever will be my first baby love and though I will dearly miss what has gone behind I can hardly wait to experience this next year of joy and laughter with you. We love you more than we ever thought possible my boy.


Filtering Life said...

As another mother who also pushed one through her hoo hoo ( I love that you say that, that is my word too...fate) I love your words for your son. Not eloquent...what? You most certainly are. Your struggle to let him become his own little man, yet your desire to still nurture and love on him. I think it is awesome how much your husband loves him. There are not enough dads like that in the world and Ben is one lucky guy to have a dad who desires to live like Christ and raise his son to be a man. Happy Birthday don't know me, but you might be giving your bedroom up soon for me....tee hee.

Angella said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!! You're a wonderful best friend for Graham and we'll see you later today!

Karalyn said...

Happy Birthday Ben! Your a great kid and I've enjoyed getting to know you and your family! The best of wishes to you as you celebrate your special day!

Elizabeth said...

Happy Birthday Benny!!! It has truly been a pleasure to get to watch you grow up and to witness your parents raising you so well. Love you guys!

Amanda said...

Beautiful post, Christy. He has grown and changed so much in the years I've known him and he really is such a special, soft hearted little man. Happy Birthday, Benny.

Kelly said...

what a sweet post. Boys are really something special!

Pete and Mel said...

Congrats on Ben's b-day. I can't believe he's five, that means it's been about five years since I've seen you. I think about you guys often, and wish you all the LORD's blessings.

Becky said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENNY! I wish I could be there to celebrate, and to see him off to KINDERGARTEN! Yikes!
P.S. You are FAR more eloquent than I ever could be. Love you, sis.

Jen said...

Ben is such a sweet, special little guy. I liked him from the minute I met him. Happy birthday!

Susie said...

ow.... you certainly are a writer Christy. Tears welled up in my eyes a few times because I could really since your emotion. Happy birthday Ben. You are an incredible buy with two amazing parents.

Uncle Brad & Auntie Danielle & cousin Chloe said...

Christy & Dustin, you are so blessed to have a son. To have Benjamin. A friend's mom was describing to me what it is like to have a boy- an experience she wished for me to know someday too- she said you love them so differently as a mother. It's like the moment you bring them into the world, you cling to them knowing you are slowly letting them go. She said girls will always be in your life for long talks and weeping, but boys you cuddle longer, you kiss more, because someday they will belong to someone else. (wow, how's that for a downer!?) No. I say all this to tell you I admire the love & grit it takes to grow your boy to be as beautiful as he is in every way. We sure love you Ben and look forward to celebrating you this weekend. It's been too long since we've been together! Happy Birthday little man!... Loves.

Sarah said...

Thanks for sharing your special thoughts about your son, something I could feel as you wrote about him in the past...but you laid it all out there now. Very beautiful. It makes me think of my mom who had her precious boy first and then two girls (one being me!) and it is obvious to all that he has a most special spot in her heart forever as that firstborn and only son.
Congrats to Ben and happy 5th!

d + r = haye jude fantastico said...

man i almost cried.
happy birthday benno! i remember the 2-8 month stage or so...crazy how long ago it's been since we've seen you guys!