But, I was showing this to Dustin and he was all.... "What do you mean?!! He'll always be your baby!"
This is true. Ben, he will always be the fist baby to win over my heart. The first baby to show me what it means to lose oneself in the light of the unfathomable, selfless love of bringing your own child into this world. No one can tell you what that feeling is like. At that moment when I held my breath and pushed him out on that sweltering hot Edmonton afternoon so long ago, my life catipulted in a new direction. One where my days were no longer about me. A life where for the first time ever another human being was truly thought of entirely before myself. And though there are days when I long, I pine, I yearn for a time when I can be focused solely on myself again. I know that the trade off just isn't worth it. I am thankful for these gifts of my children. God's little chisling tools in my life to take away my selfish ambition and to show me what it means to no longer live for myself. And it's not even living for them, well yes in a sense...but ultimately... I cannot do this. Seriously I can't. I have been exposed for the person I really am beacuse of these little people in my life. It would seem I am a bit of a fraud. Where once I thought I had patience, it would seem I do not. Where once I thought I was selfless, it would also seem I am not. But for the grace of God....
Anyways...where was I?
Right...Benjamin being pushed out my hoohoo. Five years ago.
I was much too young to be having children.
Here is Ben. About a week old. This is the ONE week in the first two years of his life where he wasn't an absolute monster of a baby. You think Olivia is chubby? Oh Mylanta! (see Amanda it's catching on...)
Do you see those thighs? Those cheeks? There certainly is a resemblance to Olivia though isn't there? What a sweet pudge he was. This was my favourite stage. He was at the peak of his obesity here. About eight months old, not quite crawling and eating whole chickens for dinner. Feathers and all.
This is shortly after Bens first birthday. See, not quite so chubby. But still JUST AS CUTE! Maybe even cuter.
Okay, now we're entering year two realm. Still shy and sensitive but really getting goofy now. Especially with Daddy. Dustin wrote a post a long time ago about how this special boy makes him feel. If only I were as eloquent.
I'm not sure why but for some reason this has always been a favourite of mine. Looking at it though, can't you see the mix of Ben and Megan in Olivia? Man, babies aren't babies for long.
Meg, Ben and Daddy at the Calgary zoo.
Over the last year Ben has been really drawing closer to Dustin and in someways farther from me. As much as I love to see the relationship between the two of them flourish I have to admit, it's been hard for me. Ben is not nearly as cuddly as he once was and as I put him to bed at night and scold him for goofing around he reminds me that "Daddy thinks it's funny when I laugh like that." What a stick in the mud I am. On very rare occasions Ben will still come up to me and climb on my lap for a cozy snuggle but, for that most part now it's becoming a thing of the past. More of a memory. Memories of snuggling him down for a nap and singing "Jesus loves WHO?...Benny..." That got him giggling EVERY time. Even now when I sing him his treasured "sunshine song" at bedtime I can barely get his attention away from the toy he's taken with him to even listen. Oh man, I guess my snuggling tank will have to be filled by Olivia. We'll keep trying though.